Captain Kidd’s Birthday Wish
The infamous Captain Kidd had been in tight spots before, but never one as tight as the one in which he now found himself. When he had first received a report of sails spotted on the horizon, he had hoped that they belonged to friends or allies. But in a few short hours the ships came within a close enough range that he could just make out their flags through his spyglass. There was no doubt they were His Majesty’s ships, sent to capture him and bring him before an admiralty court where he would inevitably be convicted of piracy and hanged.
He had immediately called all hands to battle stations and unfurled every scrap of canvas on his old, dependable ship, but a converted merchant galley like Adventure was no match for three Royal Navy ships of the line. He also knew that his crew, consisting mostly of the dregs of humanity and collected out of dockside taverns, would not do nearly as well in battle as the crews on his pursuers’ ships, with their naval training and discipline. If his calculations were correct, and they usually were, he would be within range of the Royal Navy ships’ guns in less than an hour.
I guess this might be it for me, he thought as he stared out at the ships that were steadily, but nearly imperceptibly approaching. They can take me, but I hope ‘Adventure’ survives at least. She’s a good old ship. He ran his hand along the taffrail, savoring the feel of the wood. He knew the story behind every scratch and divot in that wood. He’d never before paid attention to the sound his boots made as he walked along the deck, but now that he did pay attention he thought it was a beautiful, nearly musical sound.
“Are ye alright, Cap’n?” asked the helmsman.
Captain Kidd gave the man a reassuring clap on the shoulder. “I’m alright, Billy. Mind your helm.”
The Captain continued to wander the deck, seeing the ship as if for the first time. He tried to savor every sound, every sight, every smell. He offered encouragement to the crewmen he passed. All the while he kept glancing back at the following ships, expecting any moment to see muzzle flashes. Naval battle was an odd thing. It was conducted at such distances that after one saw the flashes they often had a few moments of peace before the sound arrived and with it the cannonballs.
Eventually he positioned himself at the stern, staring aft, trying to look calm and dignified. If he were to perish this day, he wanted friend and foe alike to remember the courage with which he faced his destiny.
At least if this is the end, it’s a beautiful day for it, he thought as he surveyed the calm waters beneath the cloudless January sky. I just wish this didn’t have to happen on my birthday. I wish the universe would send me some sort of help. Like a champion to help me fight or a politician to help me negotiate.
He was jolted from his reverie by a bright flash. It begins, he thought, as he took a deep breath to steel himself. He winced a little at the moment his experienced mind told him the cannonballs should make their first impact, but no impact came. They must have missed, and badly.
“Ahem,” said a voice behind him.
He involuntarily gasped when he turned to look. There were two men there he did not recognize. They wore clothing like nothing he had ever seen. One was a young Asian man wearing a shirt emblazoned with a flag the captain had never seen before. The other was a man roughly his own age, wearing strange dark lenses over his eyes and a shirt bedecked with flames.
“Master at arms!” shouted the Captain, his hand instinctively moving to the hilt of his sword. “There are intruders aboard, I need them-”
“Now, just wait a minute,” said the man in the flame shirt, “we’re not intruders.”
“Then who are you!?” demanded Captain Kidd.
“We are the answer to your birthday wish,” responded flame shirt.
“My what?”
“Your birthday wish. It’s your birthday and you wished for a champion or a politician. The universe must owe you a favor because it sent both. My name is Guy Fieri and my friend here is Fan Zhendong.”
Captain Kidd looked back and forth between them. “I don’t understand.”
Guy laughed. “Not that hard to figure out. On your birthday, if you wish hard enough for assistance in a moment of great need, the universe will send you assistance. But only in the form of other people with the same birthday. You, me, and Fan were all born on January 22nd.”
Captain Kidd stroked his beard and pondered how he should handle this. This strange man’s story was highly improbable, but the captain had wished for a champion or a politician. If the universe saw fit to grant that wish he didn’t think he should question it too much. “Oh. Thank you then,” he said, finally. “So you say you are a champion and a politician?”
“Indeed. Fang is a table tennis champion and I am the mayor of Flavortown.”
“I am unfamiliar with Flavortown. Is that a new colony?”
“It’s really more of a state of mind than an actual place.”
“And table tennis…?”
Guy cut him off. “Let me guess, you call it ‘ping pong’? I gotta tell you buddy, calling what this man does ‘ping pong’ is an insult. Ping pong is something you play in your friend’s basement when you’re twelve. This man is a nine-time world champion and an Olympic gold medalist. He plays table tennis.” When Captain Kidd responded with a blank stare, Guy suddenly slapped his forehead. “Wait a sec. Maybe table tennis hasn’t been invented here yet.” Guy turned to Fan. “Fan, did they have table tennis in pirate times?”
“我非常渴望獲得雙打冠軍，因為我以前從未贏得過,” said Fan, making a noncommittal gesture.
Guy frowned. “Well you don’t have to bite my head off, Fan! I didn’t know it hadn’t been invented yet!” He turned back to the Captain. “Alright, I’ll have to explain it to you. You know tables?”
“Yes,” replied Captain Kidd.
“Tennis?”
“No.”
“Well shit,” said Guy, “This is going to be harder than I thought. So imagine you have a tiny white ball-”
“Gentlemen, please. I appreciate your assistance. But time is of the essence. We are in range of enough firepower to turn this vessel into driftwood. Let’s stick to the matter at hand.”
Guy nodded. “Alright, alright. I’ll explain table tennis later.” He looked aft and saw the pursuing ships. “So, what I’m going to need is for you to get me onto one of those ships so I can cook them up a batch of my Mac Daddy Mac n’ Cheese ™.”
The Captain blanched. “What is that?”
Guy smiled. “It’s like normal mac and cheese but there’s so much cheese it’s nearly impossible to find the noodles. It’s delicious. I’ll save you some.”
“How does that help us here?”
“Trust me. Once they eat that, they won’t be in the mood to fight anymore. Now get me over there.”
The captain shook his head. “We can’t approach those ships. They’ll never let us get near.”
Guy shrugged. “Alright, fine. Fan, any ideas?”
“中國乒乓球隊實力雄厚。無論我們面對什麼風格的球員，我們都有很多資源和球員可以幫助我們做好準備。當然，這還是要看比賽時你能做什麼，以及你能不能執行這個計畫。我今天就這樣做了,” said Fan.
“That was beautiful, Fan. Absolute poetry. We would all do well to follow that advice,” said Guy, wiping away tears.
The Captain’s heart sank. He couldn’t believe that the universe itself had seen fit to bring him help, but that the help was seemingly completely useless to him. He was just preparing to have the master at arms bring the “helpers” to the brig after all when the first cannonballs struck.
Captain Kidd lost track of the visitors in the melee that followed. At some point he heard one of them shout, “不管是身體還是精神層面，我只希望在每一場比賽中都有出色的表現!” but he wasn’t sure which one. A few hours of fighting later and he found himself shackled between two Royal Marines, being led off his battered vessel and over the gangplank to certain doom. He looked back to survey his ship and surviving crew one last time. Guy Fieri caught his eye and shrugged sadly.
“Sorry about that, Captain!” he yelled.
“It’s okay, Guy, you tried.”
“Is there anything I can do for you now?” asked Guy. He eyed the Royal Marines nervously. “Any last requests, I mean?”
Captain Kidd stared out over the waters before answering. He thought of his life, his career, and his eventual place in history. Finally he sighed deeply and said, “Bring me some of that Mac Daddy Mac n’ Cheese ™.”
