Abducted!
The funny thing about screaming yourself awake is you never quite know how long you’ve been screaming. It feels strange to have a sound come out of you that bridges the gap between unconsciousness and consciousness. I like to think of the world of my dreams as being completely separate from the waking world, and if the same scream can exist in both worlds, it kind of shatters that illusion of separateness. The idea that the border between reality and unreality isn’t completely fixed kind of freaks me out, to be honest.
That’s the first thing I thought when I woke up tied to a metal table surrounded by gray-faced aliens. The second thing I thought was, why am I tied to a metal table surrounded by gray-faced aliens?
“H-hello?” I croaked. “Where am-”
“SILENCE HUMAN!”
I think I heard the command inside my head, and I didn’t see any of their mouths move. Wait. Scratch that. They don’t seem to have mouths. So I guess I didn’t see the smooth patches of skin where their mouths should have been move.
“YOU HAVE BEEN ABDUCTED BY THE SCIENTIFIC COUNCIL OF CATURN, FOR STUDY AND EXHIBITION IN OUR ZOO. DO NOT RESIST.”
“Did you say you’re from Saturn? Like the one with the rings?”
“NOT SATURN! CATURN! OUR PLANET IS IN THE ANDROMEDA GALAXY AND WE SPELL IT WITH A ‘C’.”
“Like Cat-turn? Like a Saturn for cats?”
One of the aliens flips a switch and every muscle in my body spasms as the table begins to electrocute me. He flips the switch off about the time I start to smell my hair burning.
“NOT CAT-TURN! WE HAVE NO CATS! IT’S A SOFT ‘C’ LIKE IN CELERY, OR CENTIPEDE, OR CIRCUS!”
I cough and a little puff of smoke comes out.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean anything by that. I can see how me getting the name confused could be offensive. Like it’s your home, you know? Of course you want people to show it the requisite r-”
My apology is cut off by another jolt of electricity.
“IT’S FINE! LET’S MOVE PAST THIS. WHAT IS YOUR NAME, HUMAN?”
“My friends call me Adam. Well I mean, of course they do, it’s my name. Oh my god, I never asked you all for your names. You must think I’m-”
More electricity.
"If it's not too much trouble, and please tell me if it is, the next time you shock me can you put a belt in my mouth? I would never ask for something like this ordinarily, but it's just...it's just I'm worried I might bite my own tongue off."
“WE HAVE NO BELTS!”
“Oh, of course, I'm so sorry. Really silly of me to assume that. Do you even have waists? I never thought to ask ."
"OF COURSE WE HAVE WAISTS! HOW ELSE WOULD WE SEPARATE OUR TOP HALF FROM OUR BOTTOM HALF!? WHAT WE DON'T HAVE IS PANTS."
“Oh my goodness, I didn’t even notice. So sorry again. Would it make you all more comfortable if I took off my pants?”
“WHAT!? NO!”
“Oh man, I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have even asked that. That was completely inappropriate of me.”
“NO. IT’S FINE. JUST…JUST GIVE US A MOMENT.”
There was a long silence from the aliens where I assume they were communicating telepathically. I looked away just in case it’s rude to look at aliens while they do that.
“WE HAVE DECIDED TO PUT YOU BACK.”
“What? I just got here.”
“WE…IT’S NOT YOU. WE’VE JUST, UH…DECIDED NOT TO DO THE ABDUCTION THING ANYMORE.”
I frowned. “That’s a shame, I feel like we were kind of hitting it off.”
“WHAT?”
“I don’t know, I just thought that we had, like, a lot in common.”
“NAME ONE THING WE HAVE IN COMMON.”
“...waists?”
“OKAY, PUTTING YOU BACK NOW. IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU.”
One of the aliens begins to manipulate some controls.
“No, wait, let’s hang out sometime. We can hula hoop or something.” I laugh awkwardly. “Because of the waist thing.”
“WE, UH…HAVE A THING TO GO TO THAT NIGHT.”
“I never specified a night.”
“OH, UH…”
There was a blinding flash and I found myself back on earth. I know I’ll always remember this day. I just hope those aliens aren’t mad at me…
