Mission: Impossible 2: 2

Tom Cruise is finishing up a round at the Perry’s Cave Family Fun Center mini golf course on South Bass Island in Lake Erie, Ohio. He’s insanely good at mini golf. Like suspiciously good. Like if all he did was mini golf it would be weird he’s this good, but he also does other things like ride motorcycles, and rock climb, and spy, and he happens to be the best in the world at all those things too. A crowd has gathered to watch his last putt, which will officially set the course record. The course manager is on hand to take a polaroid for the wall behind the cash register and give Tom Cruise a coupon for a free personal pan pizza (limit two toppings, participating locations only). 

Tom Cruise centers himself and lines up the shot, but just as he’s on his back swing, the ball projects a hologram of the IMF director onto the windmill separating Tom Cruise from both the hole and mini golf immortality. 

“Tom Cruise,” says the hologram, “Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to track down this man:” The hologram shifts perspectives and shows a man who Tom Cruise recognizes immediately because HE trained him. “This is Kirk Billings,” continues the hologram, “as you already know, because YOU trained him. Mr. Billings has gone rogue and created a computer virus that will simultaneously eradicate humanity and give Mr. Billings nearly a million dollars. Track down Mr. Billings and take his floppy disc and kill him. This message will self-destruct in five seconds.”

Tom Cruise quickly picks up the ball and throws it. The ball explodes and kills the course manager instantly. Tom Cruise smirks at the gathered crowd, “Sorry folks, duty calls. I’ll have to finish this round some other time.” The crowd is disappointed, but they get it. Hard not to feel empathy for a man being called into work on his day off. 

One harrowing and strangely sexy golf cart chase later, Tom Cruise is sipping a cocktail at the Roundhouse Bar in downtown Put-In-Bay. Luther Stickell walks in and Tom Cruise smiles. Only Luther would wear $4,500 Gucci shoes to a meeting in such a place. Tom Cruise wouldn’t do that. He’s the best in the world at blending in. Tom Cruise is wearing flip flops, board shorts, and a bright pink tanktop that says “I’M NOT AS THINK AS YOU DRUNK I AM”.

Luther smiles when he sees Tom Cruise. “I knew they’d send you,” he says, but then he frowns. “These chairs look dirty and I’m wearing $9,000 Armani slacks.” 

Tom Cruise rolls his eyes, but smiles at his friend. They spend a few minutes carefully arranging napkins for Luther to sit on during the meeting. Luther sits but he’s awkwardly holding his arms in the air. He sees that Tom Cruise notices this and says “I’m not setting my arms on this table. This shirt cost me $12,000 at United Colors of Benetton.” 

“Fair enough, Luther. I’m not sure what briefing you got, but I assume you’re here to be my hacker?”

Luther smiles. “Well, I am the best in the world at hacking.”

Tom Cruise knows that actually Tom Cruise is the best in the world at hacking, but he decides not to say anything.

Luther continues, “Guess old Billings finally turned traitor. I never liked that guy.” He sees Tom Cruise’s expression and adds, “Sorry. I know YOU trained him.”

Tom Cruise shrugs. “It is what it is, Luther. I just want to stop the guy. I guess we need to find him first.” 

“That’s where I come in.” Luther displays his watch, which has a digital arrow on the face pointing southeast. “I remembered Billings always had that Fitbit on. Never shut up about how many steps he was at for the day. We’d be in the middle of the mission, rappelling down a cliff, and I have to hear Billings on the radio talking about how he just hit 10,000 steps for the day. I’d be like ‘Is that a lot?’ and he’d be like ‘Uh, yeah, obviously.’ And I’d be like ‘I don’t know, man! I don’t count my steps! How am I supposed to know how many steps is-’” 

“Luther, please.”

“Sorry. So, long story short, I hacked his Fitbit and now this arrow on my watch points towards him at all times.” 

“May I?” asks Tom Cruise as he reaches for Luther’s wrist.

Luther pulls his arm back. “Don’t touch my watch, man. I don’t want fingerprints on it. It cost me $15,000 at the Bulova flagship store in Times Square. Underneath the Olive Garden, two blocks north of the Dunkin’ Donuts.” 

Suddenly, a waitress arrives at the table. “You gents want any appetizers to start?”

Tom Cruise frowns. “No. We’re a little busy. Can you come back in-”

The waitress cuts him off and looks at him meaningfully. “No. I think you would like some appetizers. May I suggest the mozzarella sticks?” 

Tom Cruise and Luther exchange a glance. “Mozzarella Sticks” is one of the IMF’s most secret code phrases. Luther nods and the waitress sets down a plastic red basket filled with mozzarella sticks. The topmost mozzarella stick begins to project a hologram. 

“Agents, you have until the end of the quarter to complete your mandated cybersecurity awareness training. You can find it on the staff intranet under ‘quarterly trainings’. Furthermore, Bill in HR has asked that you confirm your emergency contacts on the excel spreadsheet in the shared drive under ‘emergency contacts’. Also thought you might want to know that Alice had her baby! There’s a card in the breakroom you can sign when you get a chance. This message will self-destruct in five seconds.” 

Tom Cruise picks up the mozzarella stick and tries to throw it out an open window, but it bounces off the window frame and explodes inside the bar, showering them both with melted cheese. 

“My clothes!” yells Luther, but then he looks at Tom Cruise and narrows his eyes. “Who are you, really?” he asks suspiciously. 

“What do you mean?” says Tom Cruise. 

Luther points his gun at him. “I’m not playing! Who are you!?”

Tom Cruise smirks and then pulls off his face, which has been a mask the entire time. Underneath the mask he is Jon Voight, from Mission: Impossible 1, somehow still alive. He throws the mask as a distraction and leaps out the window, escaping into the balmy, Northern Ohio evening. 

“Damnit!” shouts Luther.

The waitress comes over with a wet rag to clean up the melted cheese. “How did you know that wasn’t the real Tom Cruise?” she asks.

Luther frowns. “I knew the second he messed up that throw. The real Tom Cruise is the best in the world at throwing mozzarella sticks.”

“You’re goddamn right he is,” says the waitress, who pulls off her face, which has been a mask the entire time, revealing that she is, in fact, Tom Cruise. The theme music starts and the opening credits begin.